Codependency
In my late 20’s I was recommended the book Codependency No More, by Melody Beattie. I was struggling in a relationship, and I so desperately wanted this person to change their behavior. I decided to see a counselor at the local church and she said to me point blank, “he will never change.” I left feeling incredibly upset and wanting to prove her wrong, to show her that people can change. And, maybe that is true. Some people can and do change, but the fact is that they must want to change for themselves. No amount of begging, pleading, or threats will ever work, because people want their autonomy. No one wants to be told how to act or be. I know that’s how I feel about myself. I don’t want others trying to change me. It was a hard lesson though. I knew the changes would benefit them; I knew they could be a “better” person. I knew I was “right,” and they should just listen to me. But, none of that mattered. You have to let people be who they are and only they can decide who they want to be. The biggest takeaway I had from that book (I did read it almost a decade ago now), is that you cannot let your emotions or your peace be dependent on anyone else’s actions. That is the definition of codependency. Not only did I want this person to change, but my happiness depended on it. I spent countless hours upset, and I could only feel better if they made the changes I wanted.
In most of my relationships (family, friends, otherwise), I’ve considered myself a people pleaser. I’ve always been one to suppress my emotions in order to “keep the peace.” I don’t like ruffling any feathers unless it feels very necessary, and even then, sometimes it’s easier to stuff those feelings down to anvoid any drama. But, I spent almost a year in therapy, and my therapist encouraged me to speak my mind, because in actuality, I’m not keeping the peace — I’m creating turmoil inside myself. I’m doing myself a disservice by not speaking my mind and making my voice heard for fear of upsetting someone else. I’ve had to learn to speak up so that my voice doesn’t get lost. But, it’s scary. My fears start to percolate. What if I upset that person? What if I cannot mend that relationship? Again, my emotions are dependent on someone else and how they act or react. Why should I let other peoples’ emotions matter more than mine? It’s because I care. But, I need to find healthy ways of expressing my needs and wants while having the courage to accept the outcome.
A lot of this comes down to boundaries. It doesn’t make sense to continuously complain about others’ behavior. If their behavior affects you in a negative way, communicate how you feel, but then it’s on you to setup the appropriate boundary. For example, if someone’s drinking bothers you, let them know, but don’t expect them to change because you don’t like it. Instead, you have to setup your own boundary. Don’t allow that person to be in your presence when they’re drinking, if that bothers you. Take care of yourself. Even when it comes to my toddler, sometimes it’s about setting up the appropriate boundary — removing the toy if he continues to throw it or removing myself if he were to hit me after I ask him to stop. Of course children and adult relationships are very different — children need our continued guidance and support to learn how to show up in the world. We cannot cut our children out of our lives (nor would I want to) because they won’t change their behavior, but the principle still stands. You may not be able to force them to do specific things, but you can setup the appropriate boundaries. And they definitely exhaust our emotions at times. They are the best teachers on how to practice not being codependent!
The hardest part to accept with boundaries is that sometimes things won’t go the way we want. We may setup the boundary in hopes that the person will actually make the change we are asking of them — we hope they will see that their life is better with us in it. But, the truth is they may not choose that path. Sometimes setting the boundary ends with that person not in your life, and that’s what makes it so hard. But, you’re setting yourself up for failure if you put any expectations that your boundaries will change their behavior.
And if you choose to not set a boundary, are you choosing to live a life where people continuously hurt you in order for you to have a relationship with them? That’s definitely a choice and can happen. I’ve had this discussion with my sister many times before, specifically about our dad. He’s always done things his own way, and it’s usually not ‘typical.’ He shows up late, doesn’t always answer his phone, forgets things, etc. And, that can be incredibly frustrating. But, the fact remains that we cannot change his behavior. We can communicate our feelings, wants, and needs, but he is his own person and will choose to live his life how he wants. And, it’s on us to choose how these behaviors impact our relationship with him. We need appropriate expectations but none of those can be that he will change. Because maybe he will, but also more likely, he won’t. Either way, it’s his choice, and it’s our choice to decide how to continue our relationship with him.
I’ve had to learn a lot about codependency over the last couple of decades. I’ve had to learn to be less anxious about communicating my feelings, but I’ve also learned that communicating those feelings won’t change people. Acceptance is critical. But just as importantly, self love is key to learning how to take care of yourself to ensure people do not mistreat you. It’s an interesting line to balance and it takes nuance. Sometimes a professional can help navigate these scenarios. Other times, your own intuition works just fine. But, if you cannot love and respect yourself enough, people can and may take advantage of your kindness and love. Remember to love yourself like your life depends on it, because it truly does! And, this will help you to surround yourself with loving people who treat you well.
